This Life.

 Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Here I am three years into this thing. This thing -- parenthood. And while, I would consider myself one who has diligently prayed over and prayed with my child. I feel certain there is more I could do. Not one to condemn myself but solely landing on conviction here.

I would say the events of the last year or so have really opened my eyes beyond what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. No longer just occupied with the refilling of snacks and potty training, there's something larger going on in our world that will effect my girls, our girls for years to come. I don't shy away from the sinful condition of man's heart. I see it in my own toddler day in and day out. I see it in my selfishness for time to myself and the way I can snap back at the people I love the most. And yet, sin doesn't just exist in our family, but it is the state of our depraved world. Yet, where sin entered. The Savior came. 

 It probably went something like this, "Why does this have to be my thorn?' I'm pretty sure that's how it went. Jeremy was sitting at his home office desk. The same place he has been sitting at for the last year. I was walking out the side door to the garage more than likely to play with kinetic sand and a rousing game of baking championship. We really love that game, by the way.

Have you ever wondering why God gave you the thorn that He gave you? Thorns, even. I certainly do often. It seems those thorns reappear faster than I can prune them. But that's this Christian life, right? I don't know much about gardening. I really know nothing at all. In fact, last year when my friend Mary Hunter came over to walk she thought my potted flowers had been attacked by dogs. Nope. Just my black thumb. We laughed and went about our walk. I wasn't offended. BUT. I do know pruning is required for more growth. So, as soon as these weeds are trimmed and thorns are clipped, I often breath a sigh of relief, and then they rear their ugly head again.

So, what's my thorn?

Doubt. I've shared pretty openly before about my own doubt in the Christian faith. My line of thinking can often seem downright blasphemous to me. -- Am I counted righteous? What is righteousness? Why do I need Christ to be counted righteous? Why do I need to even be righteous? And then, Is there even a God? This pattern of thinking has been cyclic. A bad cycle. There have been a lot of tears and questioning. Frustrations -- How could I doubt the thing, the faith I've centered my entire life around?

Jeremy is always quick to remind me of Peter. When Jesus asked the disciples if they wanted to go away too (go away and not follow Him), Peter responded with: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life..." John 6:68. The Holy Spirit is quick to guide my prayers to the Father -- I'm praying for understanding. The ONE I'm turning to at every given moment is Him.

While I haven't always liked this thorn, not even a little, it's "growing" on me. I'm trusting the Father with this thorn He has given. It's a good thorn. The stories of Peter and John the Baptist and Mary, the Patriarchs, and even Jesus. These are the stories - His Word- that solidify my faith. It's not faith in faith, but faith in the God who creates and sustains my very being. He knows what I need, and He knows that in order for me to grow I need to lean on Him and dissect what it is I truly believe. 

Yes, it's a good thorn. It's a thorn to be thankful for -- because in being thankful for and having this thorn, I'm driven to Him. And thus, He is glorified. 

If you struggle with doubt, take heart. HE is growing you.

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs." 

John 21

For Easter, I've been slowly making my way through LifeWay's Easter study - Behold Your King. Always desiring to have a full belly from the entirety of the study, I am reminded Truth comes in nuggets. There are parts of books and studies that will stick out more than others. The story of Peter's restoration is one such example.

 This morning I was watching the Today show for the first time in quite some time. With a curious toddler in the middle of a pandemic, I don't need to overwhelm her little heart -- We've already dealt with nightmares because Frosty melted. That being said, I was getting dressed in the other room when I heard my beloved Goo Goo Dolls singing "Better Days" trailing from the television. I rushed in to see a video montage of remarkable, encouraging moments from 2020 with "Better Days" as the background music. The flood gates opened. And what amounted was tears the size of Noah's flood.

We will close out 2020 tonight, and we look to 2021 with high hopes. I always think of Kennedy when I say "high hopes." The reality is this next year may be no different. I sat at the breakfast table the other morning with Jeremy and my mother-in-law and made the statement of how this new year might be no different. When the clock strikes 12, the reality is we are still going to be living in the same situation... and quite possibly a situation I dread even more.

 Yesterday I took to Facebook to ask the unthinkable -- a question about politics. Never one to outright engage in a political debate, I've generally kept my cards close to my chest unless having a rousing discussion with my mom, my husband or the bestie. However, I found myself making a post to engage my friends on Facebook regarding the current presidential administration and future administrations. For those who are interested, this is what I posted to the book:

I realize I’m about to open a can of worms here. Before I begin, I want to acknowledge a few things. 1) I am not ignorant of the world we live in. 2) I am not completely ignorant of all that has happened in the last 4-36 years of my life under various presidents. 3) This is my personal Facebook wall. 4) ANY AND ALL NASTY, HATEFUL COMMENTS WITHOUT ANY SENSE OF DECENCY WILL BE ERASED. 
With that being said in light of the DNC ending and the RNC soon beginning, what do you consider to be some of the struggles of the last 4 years that are too much to bare? Again, please be kind. This is an attempt for honest conversation without any kind of hate thrown. Romans 8:28