It was 7th period. Home economics.
It was my first year in Junior High, and my first year to understand what love really meant -- It took the form of a red-foil heart shaped balloon.
A club set up a booth in the cafeteria for the week with balloons for purchase. You could purchase said balloon and delivery for a set fee - minimal - compared to the extravagance of delivering something so earth-shattering to the one you love.
I had all of these hopes and expectations that a secret love interest would reveal himself to me during 7th period to the tune of a red hear balloon.
Alas, the day arrived. Friday - Valentine's Day.
Whilst learning how to make a pancake (I'm sure...), balloons began to arrive at the door. It was a knock and then a creek of the door and then a name and then a balloon appeared. The teacher would slowly walk the balloon to the recipient. Here I was -- Waiting. Patiently - for my moment. Knock after knock. Mind you, the club was not organized enough to deliver all balloons at one time. Nope. It just delayed the inevitable with each knock. There was no secret love. There was no balloon. The bell rang.
For the heart of a seventh grade girl with all her hopes and dreams pinned on this balloon, well, it was quite devastating. I laugh about that day now, but I realize how tender my heart was for acceptance and love of a fella at a very young age. Looking back I see how God's grace kept me. He showed me early on that His love was not in the form of a balloon that would deflate but was in the form of His Son coming and dying for me.
Oh how thankful I am that I don't have to worry about red hearted shaped balloons anymore. I don't want to revisit that day again. The complex is real, y'all.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
A Treadmill and A Cloud and Staying
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
The dwelling of the Lord - Numbers 9
Yesterday, while running on the treadmill I came to Numbers 9 in my chronological reading of the Bible. Yes, I was running and reading. I do it quite well, actually. After a list of duties and camp assignments for each of the tribes of Israel, we come to a few verses describing God's direction and dwelling over the Tent of Meeting.
Numbers 9: 15-ff explains the dwelling of the Lord will be in the form of a cloud by day and fire by night over the Tent of Meeting. If the Israelites are to remain in a particular location, the cloud remains. When they are to move, the cloud is raised. This is a sign to the Israelite community that God would have them move to the next location. They may remain in one spot for a few hours, weeks, or months. However, they would not move until the cloud was lifted. This was God's direction.
I began to think, while running (now that can be quite dangerous), about how I have always been rather antsy to move on to the next thing. I would so much say it is a "grass is greener on the other side-type-view" but rather an acknowledgment that the current location isn't permanent.
College was 4.5 years. Seminary was a guaranteed 3 years, albeit I stayed WAY longer in Raleigh than I ever intended. West Point was a set 2 years. And here was are in MS. The Israelites were not to move until the Lord led them somewhere else. Ya'll this has been the entire second half of my life. Not the waiting.. but the wrestling of what is next.
Why is it that we wrestle God for the next thing? We may not have a visible cloud telling us "hey, this is it. This is where I have you," but we do have His Spirit within us. I was challenged by the cloud of God's presence on many levels:
1) God was with them and hadn't left; God is with me and hasn't left.
2) Remaining is obedience. Not wrestling.
3) God wanted to be with them -- and me -- and you.
4) It is in the staying, though we are still waiting for His next direction, that we continue to grow closer to the ones He has put around us. And thus,
5) "Where you are.. be all there." I do believe Jim Elliot said it best.
This is nothing profound I assure you. But this is how God uses a treadmill and scripture to speak to an often hard heart.
"With Vision We Lead."
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Each class at the United States Military Academy selects a motto during their first official summer at West Point to represent their class. Jeremy's class of 2006 selected George Bush's "Never falter. Never quit." to be their phrase. They were the first class to enter the academy after 9/11. In 2016, the cadets to graduate in 2020 chose their motto as "With vision, we lead." Quite comical, right? With clarity and focus, we move ahead, and we move forward.
I'm leaving 2019 behind. Albeit, we are already 21 days into the new year. More to come on my last few months in another post. However, I've been thinking about the year to come a lot lately. I don't set resolutions or goals. I don't have a "word" for my year, although I tried to be pretty on that trend years ago. This is what's been rolling around in my mind.
It's all going to be about self care this year.
I don't mind that I'm putting myself before others. I will not neglect my family. But I do need to take care of myself, in order to be the best and present for them. We travel via a plane quite often. We all know the oxygen mask drill. You need to put your mask on before assisting others. You won't be able to do much for someone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself.
What does that look like for me? I want to do the things that I enjoy during those blessed nap times, so that I am refreshed and ready for the rest of the day. I tend to burn the candle at both ends while B is asleep, which leaves me exhausted and frustrated that I didn't take time for myself. I've left a business behind because it was all too consuming. I need refreshment. -- Reading, watching TV, writing, reading again. These are the things that make me relax, and I literally have to make myself relax. It's not my natural habitat.
Now that I've got some clarity on how this year needs to be different and change, I'm ready to move forward. That 20/20 vision doesn't come natural but takes a little bit of reflection. But move forward, we shall!
I'm leaving 2019 behind. Albeit, we are already 21 days into the new year. More to come on my last few months in another post. However, I've been thinking about the year to come a lot lately. I don't set resolutions or goals. I don't have a "word" for my year, although I tried to be pretty on that trend years ago. This is what's been rolling around in my mind.
It's all going to be about self care this year.
I don't mind that I'm putting myself before others. I will not neglect my family. But I do need to take care of myself, in order to be the best and present for them. We travel via a plane quite often. We all know the oxygen mask drill. You need to put your mask on before assisting others. You won't be able to do much for someone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself.
What does that look like for me? I want to do the things that I enjoy during those blessed nap times, so that I am refreshed and ready for the rest of the day. I tend to burn the candle at both ends while B is asleep, which leaves me exhausted and frustrated that I didn't take time for myself. I've left a business behind because it was all too consuming. I need refreshment. -- Reading, watching TV, writing, reading again. These are the things that make me relax, and I literally have to make myself relax. It's not my natural habitat.
Now that I've got some clarity on how this year needs to be different and change, I'm ready to move forward. That 20/20 vision doesn't come natural but takes a little bit of reflection. But move forward, we shall!
Temporary Salvation
Friday, August 23, 2019
And being made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey Him...
Hebrews 5:9
Noticeably there are things in my life that I like to hold onto, if you will. Areas of control. Areas of angst and worry. Areas of angst and worried fueled by my desire for control. When those areas of life seem to be getting out of control, I resort to something close by to ease my mind -- a Coke, a coffee, spending money, pouring myself into a house chore, starting this business I'm working on, etc. You get the picture. I use one thing to substitute for another.
During nap time today, I was reading in Hebrews and was caught on verse 9 of Chapter 5. He became eternal salvation for all who obey. Wow. You always know that Jesus has offered eternal salvation, but for some reason eternal stood out to me. I began to think of the opposite of eternal, which is temporary. I grab so quickly for temporary salvation. What will save me in this moment? What will make me happy right this minute? What will satisfy my weariness, my feelings of being unworthy/not enough -- What?
We all have our answers. We have our temporary salvations that black out the majesty of eternal salvation. We have temporary salvations that ease the moment but never provide that lasting nourishment that He alone promises. We have our quick fixes, our guilty pleasures. But none of these -- not even a glass of Coke -- can offer the salvation we desperately need.
He is rest for the weary soul because He is eternal. He overcomes the temporary by giving us joy, peace and rest for the troubled heart. He is Jesus.
Hebrews
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
I'm thankful God is faithful to lead us to places in His Word. I've never been one to play roulette during my time of study. When one book of study starts coming to a close, I begin to pray for the next book of the Bible to focus my attention. I'm one also to sometimes "miss" Jesus in things. My prayer for several days was for God to open my eyes to Jesus -- a love for Him like never before; an understanding and trust of His role in my salvation. This prayer coincided with a prayer for a new book of study.
Hebrews became where I turned my Bible to next.
I've never studied Hebrews. The opening verses always seemed to be WAY over my head. And yet, God is faithful to shed another layer and remove my skills. Hebrews is ALL ABOUT JESUS. Granted, so is the entire Bible. But God answered both prayers by turning me to Hebrews.
Jesus is God's Son and will inherit the house of God. As the one who inherits, Jesus is greater than Moses -- Jesus is the Son; Moses is the Servant. The Son or one who inherits the house is responsible for providing, protecting, leading and satisfying the house. You and I are members of the household of God, if we are believers. This new light on a familiar passage has been so refreshing.
I worry so much about the littlest things. I won't trouble you with those. But know this -- petty. Jesus is here to satisfy me and protecting me. He is not just Lord of my salvation, but He is Lord of my life. This means He rules over me. He takes care of me. He satisfies my soul and heart. Ya'll this has taken some time for me to wrap my head around, and I'm still working on that. But Jesus is Lord of my life. I understood that at the age of ten. He has saved me, is saving me, and bringing me to salvation in the final days. When I look to Him, those worries have to disappear because in my heart I trust that He is taking care of even the smallest detail of my life. I can look back and see it all in the past.. why would He abandon now? He won't.
Hebrews has been so good. I'm so thankful for the work of Christ and His being seated at the right hand of God. His work is finished!
Hebrews became where I turned my Bible to next.
I've never studied Hebrews. The opening verses always seemed to be WAY over my head. And yet, God is faithful to shed another layer and remove my skills. Hebrews is ALL ABOUT JESUS. Granted, so is the entire Bible. But God answered both prayers by turning me to Hebrews.
Jesus is God's Son and will inherit the house of God. As the one who inherits, Jesus is greater than Moses -- Jesus is the Son; Moses is the Servant. The Son or one who inherits the house is responsible for providing, protecting, leading and satisfying the house. You and I are members of the household of God, if we are believers. This new light on a familiar passage has been so refreshing.
I worry so much about the littlest things. I won't trouble you with those. But know this -- petty. Jesus is here to satisfy me and protecting me. He is not just Lord of my salvation, but He is Lord of my life. This means He rules over me. He takes care of me. He satisfies my soul and heart. Ya'll this has taken some time for me to wrap my head around, and I'm still working on that. But Jesus is Lord of my life. I understood that at the age of ten. He has saved me, is saving me, and bringing me to salvation in the final days. When I look to Him, those worries have to disappear because in my heart I trust that He is taking care of even the smallest detail of my life. I can look back and see it all in the past.. why would He abandon now? He won't.
Hebrews has been so good. I'm so thankful for the work of Christ and His being seated at the right hand of God. His work is finished!
Too Much of a Good Thing
Monday, July 8, 2019
For the sake of this blog and not knowing who is out there reading this, I'll just keep this vague and say we live near the surface of the sun.
Recently, I have found myself quite hot. I attempted to speak with a car salesman this morning around 10 AM whilst beads of sweat formed on my nose and proceeded to drip down to the very tip and fall off. Being one who has never taken to sweating much, this is new for me. Sweating in public on a large scale, that is.
It has occurred to me as of late that my strong desire to move to the South is a teachable moment in my walk of faith. Oh how I was ready to get down here when I could peer out my window and see the mighty Hudson River covered in sheets of ice! I wanted a CFA close by and warmer weather. Friends, I got what I prayed for on many levels. As of late, I've realized God's leading us to the South and answering my prayers for warmer temps can be likened to the Israelites complaining and wanting meat to eat. They got exactly what they wanted! So much so the Lord assured they would hate it because it was too much of a good thing.
I often sit and think about why God lead us here. I know we are here, in this town, for a reason. Jeremy has a job and is providing for our family. He has the necessary means to work towards his PhD. But that old saying "all that glitters isn't gold" seems to be on my heart right now. From afar this is where we so desperately wanted to be. Without going into too much detail, I now wish we were closer to family and friends and a Target (kidding). God has shown me just how much I need to trust Him in His general leading of our lives.
This does not mean I think we shouldn't be here. I don't believe we are outside of God's will, as some may say. God's will is where I am right now because He is in control of my life. And while this hasn't been the easiest place I've lived, I do believe He is showing me constantly what it means to rely on Him and being content. Those are two doozies, trust me.
And so, sometimes too much of a good thing is just that. It's a good thing!
Recently, I have found myself quite hot. I attempted to speak with a car salesman this morning around 10 AM whilst beads of sweat formed on my nose and proceeded to drip down to the very tip and fall off. Being one who has never taken to sweating much, this is new for me. Sweating in public on a large scale, that is.
It has occurred to me as of late that my strong desire to move to the South is a teachable moment in my walk of faith. Oh how I was ready to get down here when I could peer out my window and see the mighty Hudson River covered in sheets of ice! I wanted a CFA close by and warmer weather. Friends, I got what I prayed for on many levels. As of late, I've realized God's leading us to the South and answering my prayers for warmer temps can be likened to the Israelites complaining and wanting meat to eat. They got exactly what they wanted! So much so the Lord assured they would hate it because it was too much of a good thing.
I often sit and think about why God lead us here. I know we are here, in this town, for a reason. Jeremy has a job and is providing for our family. He has the necessary means to work towards his PhD. But that old saying "all that glitters isn't gold" seems to be on my heart right now. From afar this is where we so desperately wanted to be. Without going into too much detail, I now wish we were closer to family and friends and a Target (kidding). God has shown me just how much I need to trust Him in His general leading of our lives.
This does not mean I think we shouldn't be here. I don't believe we are outside of God's will, as some may say. God's will is where I am right now because He is in control of my life. And while this hasn't been the easiest place I've lived, I do believe He is showing me constantly what it means to rely on Him and being content. Those are two doozies, trust me.
And so, sometimes too much of a good thing is just that. It's a good thing!
Comparison
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Social media has done something ugly. We all know it. We even talk about it. But we fail to really do anything about it.
What was once just a look across the classroom and being envious of someone's outfit has now been brought to a platform that is forever in front of our faces. We know what our friends are doing at any given moment -- but within reason, as long as they post something about it.
We see the size of others and their abs or how they look in a bathing suit. We can see their stylish and updated new kitchens or the meal they labored for their family. We may know them, or we might not. We can easily find our favorite reality star's Insta-story or some random chick who lives in California that we just like.
What was once just a look across the classroom and being envious of someone's outfit has now been brought to a platform that is forever in front of our faces. We know what our friends are doing at any given moment -- but within reason, as long as they post something about it.
We see the size of others and their abs or how they look in a bathing suit. We can see their stylish and updated new kitchens or the meal they labored for their family. We may know them, or we might not. We can easily find our favorite reality star's Insta-story or some random chick who lives in California that we just like.
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