This Life.

 This morning I was watching the Today show for the first time in quite some time. With a curious toddler in the middle of a pandemic, I don't need to overwhelm her little heart -- We've already dealt with nightmares because Frosty melted. That being said, I was getting dressed in the other room when I heard my beloved Goo Goo Dolls singing "Better Days" trailing from the television. I rushed in to see a video montage of remarkable, encouraging moments from 2020 with "Better Days" as the background music. The flood gates opened. And what amounted was tears the size of Noah's flood.

We will close out 2020 tonight, and we look to 2021 with high hopes. I always think of Kennedy when I say "high hopes." The reality is this next year may be no different. I sat at the breakfast table the other morning with Jeremy and my mother-in-law and made the statement of how this new year might be no different. When the clock strikes 12, the reality is we are still going to be living in the same situation... and quite possibly a situation I dread even more.

 Yesterday I took to Facebook to ask the unthinkable -- a question about politics. Never one to outright engage in a political debate, I've generally kept my cards close to my chest unless having a rousing discussion with my mom, my husband or the bestie. However, I found myself making a post to engage my friends on Facebook regarding the current presidential administration and future administrations. For those who are interested, this is what I posted to the book:

I realize I’m about to open a can of worms here. Before I begin, I want to acknowledge a few things. 1) I am not ignorant of the world we live in. 2) I am not completely ignorant of all that has happened in the last 4-36 years of my life under various presidents. 3) This is my personal Facebook wall. 4) ANY AND ALL NASTY, HATEFUL COMMENTS WITHOUT ANY SENSE OF DECENCY WILL BE ERASED. 
With that being said in light of the DNC ending and the RNC soon beginning, what do you consider to be some of the struggles of the last 4 years that are too much to bare? Again, please be kind. This is an attempt for honest conversation without any kind of hate thrown. Romans 8:28

I remember it very well.

Another Tuesday night Bible study convened. I was ready. Bible open. Study book open. Except one thing was off. Mentally I wasn't present. I confessed my struggle to the group. My mind was drifting to other places and book proposals to be written. And yet, this week's discussion among our group was one of the best we've had. Jeremy always reminds me of something John Piper would say about allllll the books he's read. Piper reads alot, I'm sure. Jeremy says that his goal is to take one single thing -- one solid reminder, truth, challenge -- from each book that he reads. If this is what Piper does, then I shall do the same. This week we got to that point in the study where I shall be taking something major with me, when this is all done. In reality, we have no semblance of control. We carefully craft our lives from the MANY options available to us, and when those options are not present there is a loss of control. We are always constructing and maintaining -- control. This may not be profound to you, but it struck quite a chord for me. I like some level of control. I would say events of the last year, both personally and nationally, have caused me to relinquish some of that control. But, there is still an aspect of my life where I like a little balance. I want "a" to happen; therefore, I will act or manuever in such a way as to make "a" come about. When forces come up against me on that... well then, you get the picture. I'm in a tizzy, and I'm angry or frustrated. Joseph had zero control over his life. Spoiler alert: You and I don't either. Joseph went into a pit. He was hated by his brothers.He was sold into slavery. He ended up in another culture where his nationality was despised. He was accused of a crime he didn't commit. He sat in prison for a while. He was forgotten. And then, things took a turn. God's gracious Hand was with Joseph the entire time. There was never a moment Joseph was forgotten. And, here's what I'm thinking: Joseph would not have chosen his life to go the way that it went. Who wants to be in a dingy cell for something they never did? Joseph had no semblance of control over his life. Yet, I would say his posture was one of full submission to the Lord. Looking back over the last year or two of our lives {just this very small glimpse of time}, I wanted things to look absolutely different. I wanted baby #2 to come 9 months after baby #1 turned 1, if not sooner. Whew. We have endured a cancer scare, waiting for clearance with that, infertility, a miscarriage, and second-child infertility again. None of this is for naught. God. God -- just like He did with Joseph -- has graciously not left us. I am sure of that. Whatever amount of control I think I have over my life is really no control at all. It's just a mirage in the desert. But at the same time, it's so much more. It's more because He is in control, and He loves me. And this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I meet every other Tuesday night with a small group of girlfriends to study Kelly Minter's "Finding God Faithful." Our group first started meeting together to study one of Minter's previous studies, and then we formed a book club of sorts. Our common ground was that we were single. We went to church together in Raleigh. And we loved God. Though we be at far different places in our lives than when we first started meeting together seven or eight years ago, this group proves the faithfulness of God. His Hand has guided some of us in marriage and beginning families, while one awaits her approaching day for "I do." If any good should come of this pandemic, it is that our group was able to get back together and study God's Word together.