This Life.

I remember it very well.

Another Tuesday night Bible study convened. I was ready. Bible open. Study book open. Except one thing was off. Mentally I wasn't present. I confessed my struggle to the group. My mind was drifting to other places and book proposals to be written. And yet, this week's discussion among our group was one of the best we've had. Jeremy always reminds me of something John Piper would say about allllll the books he's read. Piper reads alot, I'm sure. Jeremy says that his goal is to take one single thing -- one solid reminder, truth, challenge -- from each book that he reads. If this is what Piper does, then I shall do the same. This week we got to that point in the study where I shall be taking something major with me, when this is all done. In reality, we have no semblance of control. We carefully craft our lives from the MANY options available to us, and when those options are not present there is a loss of control. We are always constructing and maintaining -- control. This may not be profound to you, but it struck quite a chord for me. I like some level of control. I would say events of the last year, both personally and nationally, have caused me to relinquish some of that control. But, there is still an aspect of my life where I like a little balance. I want "a" to happen; therefore, I will act or manuever in such a way as to make "a" come about. When forces come up against me on that... well then, you get the picture. I'm in a tizzy, and I'm angry or frustrated. Joseph had zero control over his life. Spoiler alert: You and I don't either. Joseph went into a pit. He was hated by his brothers.He was sold into slavery. He ended up in another culture where his nationality was despised. He was accused of a crime he didn't commit. He sat in prison for a while. He was forgotten. And then, things took a turn. God's gracious Hand was with Joseph the entire time. There was never a moment Joseph was forgotten. And, here's what I'm thinking: Joseph would not have chosen his life to go the way that it went. Who wants to be in a dingy cell for something they never did? Joseph had no semblance of control over his life. Yet, I would say his posture was one of full submission to the Lord. Looking back over the last year or two of our lives {just this very small glimpse of time}, I wanted things to look absolutely different. I wanted baby #2 to come 9 months after baby #1 turned 1, if not sooner. Whew. We have endured a cancer scare, waiting for clearance with that, infertility, a miscarriage, and second-child infertility again. None of this is for naught. God. God -- just like He did with Joseph -- has graciously not left us. I am sure of that. Whatever amount of control I think I have over my life is really no control at all. It's just a mirage in the desert. But at the same time, it's so much more. It's more because He is in control, and He loves me. And this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I meet every other Tuesday night with a small group of girlfriends to study Kelly Minter's "Finding God Faithful." Our group first started meeting together to study one of Minter's previous studies, and then we formed a book club of sorts. Our common ground was that we were single. We went to church together in Raleigh. And we loved God. Though we be at far different places in our lives than when we first started meeting together seven or eight years ago, this group proves the faithfulness of God. His Hand has guided some of us in marriage and beginning families, while one awaits her approaching day for "I do." If any good should come of this pandemic, it is that our group was able to get back together and study God's Word together.

It was within days after our honeymoon that I found myself sitting in the floor of our New York townhouse with Thank You notes and lists piled all around me. I had a task ahead of me, and nothing but time. I started watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians as a way to pass the time while Thank-You note writing. I quickly realized I just couldn't keep up.

Tonight my Monday nights are going to start looking normal again. My time 8/7 Central time slot during the summer months has always been filled with my viewing of "The Bachelorette." This show is more than just twenty-five contestants vying for the attention of a man or woman. It's always been ten or more girls gathered around a television, offering commentary, sharing a meal, sharing our lives in between commercial breaks. This is what my Monday nights looked like when I first began writing a blog. And tonight, this special time slot in my life will be filled with recaps from my favorite seasons. It feels like a little bit of normalcy is returning to my life.