This Life.

 This morning I was watching the Today show for the first time in quite some time. With a curious toddler in the middle of a pandemic, I don't need to overwhelm her little heart -- We've already dealt with nightmares because Frosty melted. That being said, I was getting dressed in the other room when I heard my beloved Goo Goo Dolls singing "Better Days" trailing from the television. I rushed in to see a video montage of remarkable, encouraging moments from 2020 with "Better Days" as the background music. The flood gates opened. And what amounted was tears the size of Noah's flood.

We will close out 2020 tonight, and we look to 2021 with high hopes. I always think of Kennedy when I say "high hopes." The reality is this next year may be no different. I sat at the breakfast table the other morning with Jeremy and my mother-in-law and made the statement of how this new year might be no different. When the clock strikes 12, the reality is we are still going to be living in the same situation... and quite possibly a situation I dread even more.

 Yesterday I took to Facebook to ask the unthinkable -- a question about politics. Never one to outright engage in a political debate, I've generally kept my cards close to my chest unless having a rousing discussion with my mom, my husband or the bestie. However, I found myself making a post to engage my friends on Facebook regarding the current presidential administration and future administrations. For those who are interested, this is what I posted to the book:

I realize I’m about to open a can of worms here. Before I begin, I want to acknowledge a few things. 1) I am not ignorant of the world we live in. 2) I am not completely ignorant of all that has happened in the last 4-36 years of my life under various presidents. 3) This is my personal Facebook wall. 4) ANY AND ALL NASTY, HATEFUL COMMENTS WITHOUT ANY SENSE OF DECENCY WILL BE ERASED. 
With that being said in light of the DNC ending and the RNC soon beginning, what do you consider to be some of the struggles of the last 4 years that are too much to bare? Again, please be kind. This is an attempt for honest conversation without any kind of hate thrown. Romans 8:28

I remember it very well.

Another Tuesday night Bible study convened. I was ready. Bible open. Study book open. Except one thing was off. Mentally I wasn't present. I confessed my struggle to the group. My mind was drifting to other places and book proposals to be written. And yet, this week's discussion among our group was one of the best we've had. Jeremy always reminds me of something John Piper would say about allllll the books he's read. Piper reads alot, I'm sure. Jeremy says that his goal is to take one single thing -- one solid reminder, truth, challenge -- from each book that he reads. If this is what Piper does, then I shall do the same. This week we got to that point in the study where I shall be taking something major with me, when this is all done. In reality, we have no semblance of control. We carefully craft our lives from the MANY options available to us, and when those options are not present there is a loss of control. We are always constructing and maintaining -- control. This may not be profound to you, but it struck quite a chord for me. I like some level of control. I would say events of the last year, both personally and nationally, have caused me to relinquish some of that control. But, there is still an aspect of my life where I like a little balance. I want "a" to happen; therefore, I will act or manuever in such a way as to make "a" come about. When forces come up against me on that... well then, you get the picture. I'm in a tizzy, and I'm angry or frustrated. Joseph had zero control over his life. Spoiler alert: You and I don't either. Joseph went into a pit. He was hated by his brothers.He was sold into slavery. He ended up in another culture where his nationality was despised. He was accused of a crime he didn't commit. He sat in prison for a while. He was forgotten. And then, things took a turn. God's gracious Hand was with Joseph the entire time. There was never a moment Joseph was forgotten. And, here's what I'm thinking: Joseph would not have chosen his life to go the way that it went. Who wants to be in a dingy cell for something they never did? Joseph had no semblance of control over his life. Yet, I would say his posture was one of full submission to the Lord. Looking back over the last year or two of our lives {just this very small glimpse of time}, I wanted things to look absolutely different. I wanted baby #2 to come 9 months after baby #1 turned 1, if not sooner. Whew. We have endured a cancer scare, waiting for clearance with that, infertility, a miscarriage, and second-child infertility again. None of this is for naught. God. God -- just like He did with Joseph -- has graciously not left us. I am sure of that. Whatever amount of control I think I have over my life is really no control at all. It's just a mirage in the desert. But at the same time, it's so much more. It's more because He is in control, and He loves me. And this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I meet every other Tuesday night with a small group of girlfriends to study Kelly Minter's "Finding God Faithful." Our group first started meeting together to study one of Minter's previous studies, and then we formed a book club of sorts. Our common ground was that we were single. We went to church together in Raleigh. And we loved God. Though we be at far different places in our lives than when we first started meeting together seven or eight years ago, this group proves the faithfulness of God. His Hand has guided some of us in marriage and beginning families, while one awaits her approaching day for "I do." If any good should come of this pandemic, it is that our group was able to get back together and study God's Word together.

It was within days after our honeymoon that I found myself sitting in the floor of our New York townhouse with Thank You notes and lists piled all around me. I had a task ahead of me, and nothing but time. I started watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians as a way to pass the time while Thank-You note writing. I quickly realized I just couldn't keep up.

Tonight my Monday nights are going to start looking normal again. My time 8/7 Central time slot during the summer months has always been filled with my viewing of "The Bachelorette." This show is more than just twenty-five contestants vying for the attention of a man or woman. It's always been ten or more girls gathered around a television, offering commentary, sharing a meal, sharing our lives in between commercial breaks. This is what my Monday nights looked like when I first began writing a blog. And tonight, this special time slot in my life will be filled with recaps from my favorite seasons. It feels like a little bit of normalcy is returning to my life.

Unprecedented times.

It was 7th period. Home economics.

It was my first year in Junior High, and my first year to understand what love really meant -- It took the form of a red-foil heart shaped balloon.

A club set up a booth in the cafeteria for the week with balloons for purchase. You could purchase said balloon and delivery for a set fee - minimal - compared to the extravagance of delivering something so earth-shattering to the one you love.

I had all of these hopes and expectations that a secret love interest would reveal himself to me during 7th period to the tune of a red hear balloon.

Alas, the day arrived. Friday - Valentine's Day.

Whilst learning how to make a pancake (I'm sure...), balloons began to arrive at the door. It was a knock and then a creek of the door and then a name and then a balloon appeared. The teacher would slowly walk the balloon to the recipient. Here I was -- Waiting. Patiently - for my moment. Knock after knock. Mind you, the club was not organized enough to deliver all balloons at one time. Nope. It just delayed the inevitable with each knock. There was no secret love. There was no balloon. The bell rang.

For the heart of a seventh grade girl with all her hopes and dreams pinned on this balloon, well, it was quite devastating. I laugh about that day now, but I realize how tender my heart was for acceptance and love of a fella at a very young age. Looking back I see how God's grace kept me. He showed me early on that His love was not in the form of a balloon that would deflate but was in the form of His Son coming and dying for me.

Oh how thankful I am that I don't have to worry about red hearted shaped balloons anymore. I don't want to revisit that day again. The complex is real, y'all.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

The dwelling of the Lord - Numbers 9

Each class at the United States Military Academy selects a motto during their first official summer at West Point to represent their class. Jeremy's class of 2006 selected George Bush's "Never falter. Never quit." to be their phrase. They were the first class to enter the academy after 9/11. In 2016, the cadets to graduate in 2020 chose their motto as "With vision, we lead." Quite comical, right? With clarity and focus, we move ahead, and we move forward.

I'm leaving 2019 behind. Albeit, we are already 21 days into the new year. More to come on my last few months in another post. However, I've been thinking about the year to come a lot lately. I don't set resolutions or goals. I don't have a "word" for my year, although I tried to be pretty on that trend years ago. This is what's been rolling around in my mind.

It's all going to be about self care this year.

I don't mind that I'm putting myself before others. I will not neglect my family. But I do need to take care of myself, in order to be the best and present for them. We travel via a plane quite often. We all know the oxygen mask drill. You need to put your mask on before assisting others. You won't be able to do much for someone else, if you aren't taking care of yourself.

What does that look like for me? I want to do the things that I enjoy during those blessed nap times, so that I am refreshed and ready for the rest of the day. I tend to burn the candle at both ends while B is asleep, which leaves me exhausted and frustrated that I didn't take time for myself. I've left a business behind because it was all too consuming. I need refreshment. -- Reading, watching TV, writing, reading again. These are the things that make me relax, and I literally have to make myself relax. It's not my natural habitat.

Now that I've got some clarity on how this year needs to be different and change, I'm ready to move forward. That 20/20 vision doesn't come natural but takes a little bit of reflection. But move forward, we shall!